Saturday, June 25, 2005

Choosing a Husband can be a Craps Shoot


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I meet this West Indian couple when I was doing my masters. The wife became a very good friend of mine because we were the only two West Indians reading for the diploma. Her man however barely finished high school. So I always wondered about the match, I thought it a bit odd. But I put it out of my mind because my friend is a very level headed person and she and her man got on well.


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Well they had only been married a few months before they relocated and they were living out of their environment so they were tight, of course. It was more than that really. They seemed to complement each other very well. She studied and kept their apartment in tip top shape. He worked and cooked, something he did beautifully and which she could do little of. Although she had degrees, she did not wear the pants in the relationship and because he is older she leaned on him for guidance. Real solid relationship I always thought during the time I knew them. Yet I always thought that the real test of the relationship would come on their return home. So when we went our separate ways I wished them luck and I was rooting for them.

About two years and a beautiful baby girl later, my friend finally got up the courage to tell me that she and her man had broke-up. I listened to her story and reasons for the spilt and I kept wondering if the reals problems were not to do with the fact that she was much more educated than him and that put her above him socially and financially.

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Is a woman (especially very young women) to be very mindful when choosing a mate who is far less educated and who will probably earn far less money than she will? I think the answer is yes. It is going to take some real work or a man who is not affected by societal rules to make it work. This is the main theme of Terry MCMillan's Disappearing Act.

I also know that people say women especially black educated women always complain about there being no men but that they ignore the guy who is less educated or who earns less than them. Well I believe from what I see those kinds of relationship work better if both of these people are into their second marriages and a bit older. The woman more so must be in her late 30s to middle 40s when this type of match makes a successful relationship.

6 comments:

Jdid said...

women just dont know what they want

Campfyah said...

Not ture..it is much more difficult for the man to accept such a situation. Although the man may seem alright at first, the pressures of society and his manhood will eventually get the best of him. there is reality and there is fact and the fact is the gap will get wider and wider.

Jdid said...

i disagree with camp, women dont want to marry men who they see as being 'beneath' them. they will fool around with them but unlike men who will marry the trophy women , women will not do that.

B.art said...

Im just curious as to why people see this 'need' to get married.

ThandieLand said...

Well b.art you are not going to get me to disagree with you there. I wonder about it all the time.

Anonymous said...

It's more than a 'need' to get married!
The way I see it, women are like computer viruses - we're simply executing the 'programs' that are written into our DNA by example and other less subtle coercive socialization.
Fact is just about every culture defines a ‘real/whole/complete’ woman as the arithmetical sum of two parts; i.e a
WOMAN = has a MAN (preferably husband) + has CHILDREN (preferably legitimate)
So….those of you who have neither, consider yourself fortunate – at least you’re free to define yourself otherwise. It could be worse. You could be like me – married with no children. Now that lopsided equation equals HALF-A-WOMAN! Jeez!!!